After about 10 days of being hungry and cheating with carbs here or there, I realized that if there was no healthy food around, I would maybe eat something “unhealthy” because, while I wanted to eat better, I wasn’t about to starve myself either.

After two weeks of slowly breaking more and more of my diet, I came back to my original thought. Why was I doing this to myself? Why wasn’t Bryan worried about eating healthy or working out? The same thought occurred to me again – well, he really doesn’t need to.

And then it hit me. He doesn’t need to because, in my eyes, he looks pretty damn fine. He’s healthy, comfortable with his body and he knows I love him the way he is. Didn’t I feel the same way? There has never been one point in time where he’s made me feel insecure about myself. In fact, he makes me feel more comfortable about my image than anyone.

I told myself when I first got engaged I wouldn’t stress myself over a “wedding diet” and yet I ended up doing so anyways. Why? WHYYY? Maybe I’ll blame all those wedding blogs I read with all the gorgeous pixie-forest-nymph brides. Can I just see some really short brides with hips here or there? DAMN YOU PIXIE-FOREST-NYMPHS!

Anyways, needless to say, I said “to hell with it” because dieting was really annoying and my fiancé agreed to marry me the way I am, so the only one with stupid expectations was myself.

And I mean, so many brides go through this. Living day-to-day is hard enough on your image as a woman, but as a bride somehow you get this idea you should be this glowing bastion of feminine perfection. Sure, try to look your best, but consider where the image of “your best” is coming from. Is it coming from reality? Or photoshopped magazines? Or women with body types you can never emulate unless you rearrange your bone structure? Your fiance loves you for who you are right now and that’s why this whole dang wedding is happening in the first place.

Anyways, I’m not against people trying to lose weight for their wedding. I just think we brides need to take a closer look at our motives for going on “health regimens,” and whether they’re as good for us, both mentally and physically, as we think.

I mean, I’m still going to exercise, but instead of guilting myself into miserable sit ups and eating celery, I’m just gonna dance to Austra remixes alone in my room. F U WEDDING INDUSTRY. BRB.

Another reason I haven’t written anything in awhile is that I’ve been thinking. A lot. Too much? I don’t know. I could never focus on one thought long enough, my thoughts moved faster than I could write, so I didn’t bother.

The third thing is that I started/continued to suffer/I don’t know from depression. I never believed in depression before, I was one of those people who just thought depression was something Big Pharma made up so they could get more people to buy drugs. Either that or it was just losers looking for an excuse to wallow in self-pity, so one day they lobbied to make “moodiness” a disorder to get away with it.

Now, I haven’t been to a therapist or doctor and I haven’t read too many academic articles on the subject, but I’m pretty sure depression is a Thing. Whatever it is, it sucks, and it’s really hard to make go away. I should probably go to a therapist, but I’ve never really got up the courage, so I’m just writing here for now. Which also takes a bit of courage, I guess.

Actually, it takes a lot of courage. Allie Brosh probably gave the world the best glimpse into depression in her comic: Adventures in Depression. Go read it and then come back.

Okay, you good? You’ve read it? Great, let’s carry on.

Being depressed makes you hate yourself. Or one day you just hate yourself and then become depressed. Either way, it doesn’t make you want to do much, and when you do end up doing something, you are critical of yourself past the point of helpful critiquing. It’s not, “Man, I really fell short there – next time I’m going to learn from my mistakes and get better at it.” It’s “Holy fuck look at what a disaster this is why do you even try you stupid fuck you should probably never do this again everyone else can see how terrible you are they just feel sorry for you that’s the only reason you’re anywhere you are right now but probably not for long because you’re a fucking idiot.”

Now try hearing that inside your head multiple times a day. It’s pretty fun. Doesn’t do much to spur creativity though. Who would want to share a part of themselves with the world, be it through writing, painting, music, etc. when you might receive even more criticism than what you give yourself? When you’re convinced you know what people will think before they think it? It blots out your will to share your vision of life with others. You reject your ideas first because it hurts less than having someone else reject them. You create your own little fantasy land of ideas that never see the light of the day because you’re convinced they are worthless. You’re convinced that you are worthless, so how could your ideas have merit?

And at this point I realized that no doctor had diagnosed me, and I certainly did not enjoy being this way – in fact, I hated it and wanted so badly to be normal, to feel normal. So why couldn’t I snap out of it? Maybe depression is a Thing, was the conclusion I came to.

It’s hard to be depressed. It’s also hard to be a friend to someone who’s depressed. It’s hard to date someone who’s depressed. It’s likely hard to be married to someone who’s depressed. There’s not much you can do to help someone who’s depressed except be. Just be there. I mean, I’m not quite speaking from the “other side” yet, but so far what’s helped immensely are just good friends and good people. Even if they don’t know it, they’ve helped by randomly inviting me out to coffee, events, chatting on Twitter, and just making me feel like a normal, valued individual and friend. And that’s another thing I’ve learned: Stop telling your depressed friend they’re special and start telling them they’re normal and that you value them, no matter what they’re going through. Maybe I shouldn’t speak on behalf of all depressed people, but I have a feeling they just won’t believe you when you try to dish out compliments, no matter how honest you are, to make them feel better. Also, what you shouldn’t do is downplay what they are going though. You might not understand it, they might not be the most fun to hang out with at this point in time, but please, just be.

I’m pretty tired of feeling like this, which is why I have decided to talk about it here. I know I’ve done nothing but set up limitations for myself, and I’m pretty tired of hating myself too. I hope to start writing again, sharing again and hopefully entering into a new era of creativity unbridled by fear, self doubt and inherited dogma. Creating gives me the illusion of control, so I’d like learn how to create some pretty neat shit one day.

And I guess that brings me to the final reason I haven’t felt like talking much. Am I allowed to not have my shit together? Should I really say what’s on my mind? Is this a wise career move? Are there any current/future employers scoping out my internet life? If I let it known I am weak and wounded, will the rest of the pack pounce and devour me? Or will they simply leave me behind, a limp who is of no use? “Better to shut up and not say anything,” I told myself for the longest time, “it’s safer that way.” And yet I know I’m not the only one who’s felt this way. I read it on someone’s blog once…

Today I leave for the Canadian University Press conference in Montreal! I’m very excited, it’s going to be so very rad. I will learn about journalism and things. And drink no alcohol… Anyways, you can follow my shenanigans on Twitter, I’ll be using the hashtag #nash73.

I have been rather silent on this blog lately, mainly because of major life changes that have been preoccupying my mind. For example, I recently got engaged! Which is exciting. And crazy. It’s sort of turned my life upside down in a good way. So instead of blogging here, I’ve been blogging here about wedding stuff.

Also if you want to hire me, please let me know. I’m a lovely personable person, an excellent addition to any staff team =D

Umm…yes. So off I go to Montreal! Wish me luck!

However, I’ve become quite the expert in improvising recording methods. For awhile I would bring my laptop and use GarageBand to record, or record a video conversation over iChat, or simply write down furiously on a notepad, or use the really terrible recorder on my phone. This time I used my phone recorder, but considering I now have an android, as opposed to the piece of…garbage I had before, the audio turned out much better. Still, one day I will hopefully get one of these: a Samson Zoom H1. It looks amazing! And something I could maybe even put on the radio if I needed to as well. And for only $99? Provided the audio is as good as they say it is, that’s a pretty awesome price. I know the average Olympus recorder, at 70 bucks, doesn’t really have audio worth bragging about.

Anywho, I’ll keep you posted when I finish the article, I’m excited to write it!

Also, I’ve started a new blog that is a bit of an experiment called amaretto musings. I’ve decided to give tumblr a try. So far it’s interesting, I’m not so much a fan of how it’s set up…only posting one thing at a time, like video, pictures or text without being able to combine them in one post. Maybe I just need to mess around with it more. Anywho, I expect this might be my last post of 2010 so happy new year everyone!

I don’t know why the text is backwards, but in case you aren’t dyslexic it says “give a little bit…”. Perfect right? Anyways, I hope everyone has an absolutely wonderful Christmas, especially all the student journalists who have to write and edit stories over the break to make sure they can fill the first issue in January. <3

I’ve never seen a Twitter hashtag in a lede before, at least not one used as an adjective. This article used “#yyc” to replace the perfectly usable word “Calgary” in its lede sentence. I know it’s pretty easy to figure out that “#yyc” refers to Calgary, but I’m not sure Twitter use is proficient enough to justify it. I might be annoyed if I were not a Twitter user and expected to know why we’re using an airport code preceded by a pound sign to refer to a city in news articles now.

I personally wouldn’t use any hashtag in an article without still explaining what it is first. I’m talking about this, though, because I’m pretty sure there are no style guidelines for using hashtags yet, so the rules right now are pretty arbitrary. What say you, fellow writers and editors? Would you let this fly?

Also, I love how they chose a picture of Jessica Alba and not Kelly Oxford.

It’s been quite the first semester, a crash course in being a Gauntlet editor. I love it so much, though — even when I hate it. I’ve made absolutely wonderful friends, learned a lot and have had so many great experiences. It’s inspiring how everyone there puts so much time and effort into making the Gauntlet something we can all be proud of. Not to mention the camaraderie at the office cheers me up even at the most absurd hours of the night. Thanks to everyone who’s contributed to that! =)

I really like the features section this week too. It was fun to put together and perfect for getting people excited about the break and holiday parties to come. Not to mention the photos were pretty fun to shoot as well. Thanks to Josh and Andy for helping me out. I originally was planning on a more “girly” look, but then I decided it would be more fun to get the boys in there.

Also, my titles are all alphabetical alliterations. It just sort of happened that way.

And of course there was the Gauntlet’s 50 year anniversary history supplement! I put together the ’70s page — check it out! It was really crazy to see what other student journalists wrote over the past 50 years. Some articles are awesome and some were just insane. I imagine they’ll say the same thing about our decade 50 years from now. And yes, of course the Gauntlet will still be around in 50 years. We’ll be the last bastion of print media because we can’t afford to redesign our website.

Also there’s a tiny picture of me on the front cover — as well as pictures of many editors and contributors over the past 50 years. I think I spotted Naheed Nenshi and Ezra Levant — can you? Have fun scouring the intense front cover for familiar faces.

So now as I get back to studying I will leave you with a look at some quotes overheard in the Gauntlet newsroom during the past semester. They pretty much all come from Brent and Andy. Either A) Everyone else just isn’t witty enough or B) Brent and Andy are the loudest in the office so they’re the only ones I can hear anyways. I should probably try to diversify the quotes next semester. Enjoy!

• “You’ve changed, Sarelle. You’ve sold out, just like the double rainbow guy.”
• “Actually, when you think about it, Star Wars is a great movie about what people with amputations can accomplish.”
• “Quitting early? It’s not even tomorrow yet!”
• “No narwhal this week, that’s fo’ sho!”
• “We should use Paint to layout the paper, I hear its more stable than InDesign.”
• “You know what I just realized? You have the same haircut as Ahmadinejad.”
• “I’m not malicious, I’m delicious!”
• “Who thinks I swear too much? Give me a f***ing answer!”
• “You owe me big for not saying in today’s meeting  your outfit makes you look like Link from Legend of Zelda.”
• “There are fruit flies attacking my scotch!”
• “You’re a phony!” “I’m gonna beat you with this phone, then we’ll see who’s phony!”
• “Could a man who loves bubbles this much be racist?”

Nothing to see here. Move on, move on. We should probably talk about the page design of my latest feature instead, because that’s far more interesting. Or something. Anyways, I’m pretty stoked about it. Designing pages is probably the closest I’ll ever get to being an artist. Now that I know more about InDesign it’s becoming less frustrating and a lot more fun to layout pages.

This week’s feature is a very personal story about a student’s struggle with alcoholism in Scotland, so I decided to give it a sort of journal-entry look. I know, big deal, right? Well, compared to part 1 I think it’s a vast improvement, so I’m pleased as punch (not to mention I don’t have an obnoxious Chili’s ad on the front page…that helped lol). I mean, it wasn’t bad, it was just a bit boring.

That is all, carry on.

As you can see, the theme of this month’s section was do-it-yourself. Each month will have a different general theme and each of the writers will offer a specific take on that theme. The next health and beauty section will be published the Dec 9 issue!

But there are always exceptions.

That is why I would like to draw your attention to musicians who write songs reflecting their Christian beliefs that, for the most part, maintain some shred of originality. Feel free to add more or bash me in the comments (but don’t be too mean, k?). For those of you who have extensive knowledge of the music scene, enlighten me as to what I am missing. Maybe I’ll let you write a guest post! I don’t intend to offend, I’m just sharing my opinion on a really subjective topic.

Anberlin – This band has hit a bit of a snag since leaving Tooth and Nail Records and signing with Universal Republic Records, but it’s never too late to bounce back. Their third album Cities is widely considered the pinnacle of their music thus far. I eagerly anticipated their growth only to find they got stuck  and have stayed (relatively) the same for their fourth and fifth albums. The band’s affinity for soul-searching lyrics and Stephen Christian’s rich voice packs the perfect punch for any listener. Now if only they would stop trying to recreate Cities and try something new. I believe in you, Anberlin! You can do it!

While Anberlin doesn’t refer to themselves as Christian, their albums often possess what I like to call “Christian flavoring.” What does that mean? I dunno, probably what it sounds like.

Cold War Kids - Well, this was the scandal of all scandals. Back in 2006 Cold War Kids’ debut album Robbers and Cowards received a scathing review from Pitchfork for the religious undertones found throughout. This caused a fury among critics and religious folk alike — was the review deserved? Did Christian undertones really ruin the music? Or was this Pitchfork guy just a huge jackass with a chip on his shoulder? You decide. I haven’t kept up with the Cold War Kids much, but felt this incident should be included here. (Apparently they’re still at it — whatever “it” is — and Pitchfork still doesn’t like them.)

Edison Glass – Rumors have been swirling around that Edison Glass broke up, but I can’t find anything official. One site says they have not broken up but are currently not working on any music together. Their MySpace looks relatively abandoned and their domain name has been bought by someone else.

Despite this unfortunate lack of activity, there are still two excellent Edison Glass albums in existence, A Burn or a Shiver and Time is Fiction. Perhaps the most distinctive quality about them is their avoidance of generic 4/4 timing — math rock ftw! For a band named after Thomas Edison and Phillip Glass it only makes sense to have an atypical sound in the Christian music scene. Come back, Edison Glass!

Jon Foreman – While Switchfoot’s career peaked with The Beautiful Letdown (okay, apparently their latest album is decent? I haven’t listened to it much), lead singer Jon Foreman showed us where his heart is with his solo EP’s, Spring/Summer and Fall/Winter. Foreman took Psalms and created beautiful melodies one could imagine David singing out in the field as a shepherd, not marketed or performed for Sunday morning audiences.

Jordan Klassen – This local enables music lovers of all stripes to hear his decidedly Biblical lyrics and still admit, “Damn, that’s good music.” In my mind, that’s exactly how it’s supposed to be. Klassen’s music meshes folk with ambience in such a way you’re physically aware of the space the sound occupies, like smoke or water filling a room — minus the distraught feeling, plus joy.

Joy Electric – Joy Electric is Christian music’s ever-present underground synth-pop solution. Sometimes light and upbeat, sometimes dark and dreary, Joy Electric is a forever-pleasant oddity. While I haven’t listened to the entire discography (and it is extensive), I am quite the fan of their 2007 release The Otherly Opus.

Kevin Max – Ohhh Kevin Max. What an enigma. While Toby Mac went on to be an uber successful solo rapper and Michael Tait is now frontman for the Newsboys — both fellow former DC Talk members — Kevin Max still operates out of obscurity. Often referred to as the “Black Sheep” of Christian music, Max has always been a bit of a rebel who doesn’t like playing by the rules. He’s an avid poet and spoken word artist as well as musician — not to mention he’s working on a novel/graphic novel called Fiefdom of Angels.

Max is also quite the label-hopper and seems to have had difficulty finding the right creative team to help harness his talent. Despite being the “Black Sheep,” Max still exclusively markets himself towards the CCM audience, but I feel like he has what it takes to bring his message outside the Christian scene.

Mute Math – Take Paul Meany’s soulful voice, catchy drumloops, keytar riffs, and a touch of ambience mixed with spiritually-laced lyrics and you’ve created one of the best Christian bands in existence.

Okay, backtrack — there’s a complicated history here. For those unfamiliar, Mute Math is one of those bands that has tried — and achieved — to break free of the Christian industry and exclusive fan base. As I stated in my last post, the CCM industry often shackles creativity so I understand Mute Math’s decision to distance themselves from the “Christian” label.

What I don’t understand is the dramatic shift in tone between their first two albums, Mute Math and Armistice. Their self-titled debut is brilliant and, while not overtly spiritual, there’s definitely a  message reminiscent of Earthsuit, the band’s earlier overtly-Christian persona. Their second album, Armistice, is amazing, but downright depressing. Are they simply musicians exploring the darker side of human emotion or are they purposefully trying to distance themselves even more from Christian labels? I suspect a third album will give a definite answer.

Sufjan Stevens — Sufjan doesn’t talk overtly about his faith in interviews, but neither does he avoid overtly Biblical themes in his music. Sin, death, redemption, forgiveness, hope, salvation — it’s all there. Why is he so popular among secular listeners then? Well, he’s just a damn good musician and that kind of thing can’t be ignored.

I guess one might ask, why does this matter? Isn’t music music? Why must we label things?

I’m a bit of an idealist in that I’d like to see musicians be able to express their Christian beliefs without alienating secular fans. Mute Math is almost paranoid to have any affiliation with Christianity now because they think it will put them in a box or something. Pitchfork seems to have vendetta against the Cold War Kids over ideology. It’s absurd.

I’d also like Christian artists to fully express their creativity within the CCM industry without feeling like they are trapped and have to go mainstream to be unique.

It basically brings us back to what I said here.